My (failing) relationship with Halloween

Halloween decorations that used to go in the window from 1980 to1986

As a child, I always liked Halloween.  It was a special day when a certain magic in the air made me happy.  My dad would always decorate the second week of October, and put up displays in the window on Halloween night.  What a time to be a kid, when the leaves were falling and neighbors had the die-cut decorations in their windows. I would always wander around and look at these pieces of art.  The relationship continued when my family and I moved to California from Utah in 1988, though I chose a costume on the 29th of October of that year.  1989, and 1990 were OK years, but 1991 and 1992 were so mediocre, especially 1992, where I came up with a costume at the last second.  I had such high expectations for 1992.  1993 was terrible, and 1994 was a little better, that was the first year I took control of the Halloween display.  1995 and 1996 were OK as well, 1997 was so disappointing.   1998 was the year the torch was passed from my father to me, in terms of Halloween setups.  1999 was the year I had many compliments and 2000 through 2005 were my golden years.  I was going through emotional turmoil in 2006 and 2007, and it wasn't fun anymore.   My mother's first bout with cancer in late October 2008 derailed many plans, and Halloween didn't seem to matter that year.  It was the first Halloween I had off, and it rained all night.  I had stayed under the blanket all night hoping the rain would stop.  2009 was sort of a restart, but 2010 was another off year.  2011 was marred with emotional distress about my mother's second bout with cancer and outbursts of anger at my brother.  I was so stressed that year that I was going to quit Halloween forever.  2012 was such a terrible year, that in writing this, I feel like the spirit of Halloween is dead in me.  I don't care that it's coming up and can't seem to get any enthusiasm going.

Mental breakdowns

The following rant is the result of a mental breakdown on Saturday.


I’m getting tired of being mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I don’t care that Halloween is coming, I just want to go hide…why can’t I go back home? I’m tired of hanging on, just barely existing, like a ghost. Why can’t I have my life back?         

    Things seemed to be turning around in 2010, and into mid 2011.  But my mother’s cancer returned and her health deteriorated in December of that year.  It was getting worse in January and in March of 2012, she was put into a rest home.  After frequent visits to the hospital, my mother passed away in April 2012.  After that happened, my brother and I knew our time was running out, and we had to move somewhere else.                         

    This was putting strain on my already fragile sanity.  I was already put through hell because of a roof leak that was getting worse until one night in December 2007.  I was scared of the rain, even after fixing the leak, and I would hide under my blanket until the rain storms would pass.  It was a five year ordeal, and in 2009, I was still convinced there was a
leak, (The roof had been properly sealed with no less than seven coats of reflective white roof sealant).  I would dig through the stucco on my ceiling until I reached the sheet rock under it,  looking for water stains.  My ceiling had at least twenty of these holes, and my mother wasn’t
happy with this.  I would also check the ceiling about every ten minutes.
    After my brother and I left our mother’s house(we were evicted), we had to put what we could into storage with the help of a friend, and he was supposed to help us with payments for storage.  My brother and I moved in with friends and we tried to put our lives back together.