The following rant is the result of a mental breakdown on Saturday.
I’m getting tired of being mentally, emotionally, and physically
exhausted. I don’t care that Halloween is coming, I just want to go
hide…why can’t I go back home? I’m tired of hanging on, just barely
existing, like a ghost. Why can’t I have my life back?
Things seemed to be turning around in 2010, and into mid 2011. But my
mother’s cancer returned and her health deteriorated in December of that
year. It was getting worse in January and in March of 2012, she was
put into a rest home. After frequent visits to the hospital, my mother
passed away in April 2012. After that happened, my brother and I knew
our time was running out, and we had to move somewhere else.
This was putting strain on my already
fragile sanity. I was already put through hell because of a roof leak
that was getting worse until one night in December 2007. I was scared
of the rain, even after fixing the leak, and I would hide under my
blanket until the rain storms would pass. It was a five year ordeal,
and in 2009, I was still convinced there was a
leak, (The roof had
been properly sealed with no less than seven coats of reflective white
roof sealant). I would dig through the stucco on my ceiling until I
reached the sheet rock under it, looking for water stains. My ceiling
had at least twenty of these holes, and my mother wasn’t
happy with this. I would also check the ceiling about every ten minutes.
After my brother and I left our mother’s house(we were evicted), we had
to put what we could into storage with the help of a friend, and he was
supposed to help us with payments for storage. My brother and I moved
in with friends and we tried to put our lives back together.
brother had called the storage place and tried to work out a payment
plan, and after two months of being late, they decided to sell our stuff
out from under us. All my life, my possessions are gone, I feel
wronged and cheated. It really agitates me the someone else is touching
my stuff, going through my things, violating my privacy. Everything I
built and created, gone….
I feel abandoned by my parents. Why
are they gone? Did they die just to spite me? My father died in 2000,
and twelve years later my mother passed away and joined him in the great
beyond. Sometimes this hurts so much, I want to get their ashes back
and dump them on the
ground and stomp at it, and then punt the urns into the air. How do I get back to where I was?
I’m too scared to go out and do things, I tried getting on disability
at least three times. My sanity is frayed and it’s getting worse, I
have a mental breakdown once a week, I don’t know if I can go on any
longer. I going to be in a mental hospital before long. I can’t cope
well with this situation. I can’t comprehend how it ended up like this.