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Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Mental breakdowns

The following rant is the result of a mental breakdown on Saturday.

I’m getting tired of being mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I don’t care that Halloween is coming, I just want to go hide…why can’t I go back home? I’m tired of hanging on, just barely existing, like a ghost. Why can’t I have my life back?         

    Things seemed to be turning around in 2010, and into mid 2011.  But my mother’s cancer returned and her health deteriorated in December of that year.  It was getting worse in January and in March of 2012, she was put into a rest home.  After frequent visits to the hospital, my mother passed away in April 2012.  After that happened, my brother and I knew our time was running out, and we had to move somewhere else.                         

    This was putting strain on my already fragile sanity.  I was already put through hell because of a roof leak that was getting worse until one night in December 2007.  I was scared of the rain, even after fixing the leak, and I would hide under my blanket until the rain storms would pass.  It was a five year ordeal, and in 2009, I was still convinced there was a
leak, (The roof had been properly sealed with no less than seven coats of reflective white roof sealant).  I would dig through the stucco on my ceiling until I reached the sheet rock under it,  looking for water stains.  My ceiling had at least twenty of these holes, and my mother wasn’t
happy with this.  I would also check the ceiling about every ten minutes.
    After my brother and I left our mother’s house(we were evicted), we had to put what we could into storage with the help of a friend, and he was supposed to help us with payments for storage.  My brother and I moved in with friends and we tried to put our lives back together. 

My  brother had called the storage place and tried to work out a payment plan, and after two months of being late, they decided to sell our stuff out from under us.  All my life, my possessions are gone, I feel wronged and cheated.  It really agitates me the someone else is touching my stuff, going through my things, violating my privacy.  Everything  I built and created, gone….
    I feel abandoned by my parents.  Why are they gone?  Did they die just to spite me?  My father died in 2000, and twelve years later my mother passed away and joined him in the great beyond.  Sometimes this hurts so much, I want to get their ashes back and dump them on the
ground and stomp at it, and then punt the urns into the air. How do I get back to where I was?
    I’m too scared to go out and do things, I tried getting on disability at least three times.  My sanity is frayed and it’s getting worse, I have a mental breakdown once a week, I don’t know if I can go on any longer.  I going to be in a mental hospital before long.  I can’t cope well with this situation.  I can’t comprehend how it ended up like this.

1 comment:

  1. Take care - you're not alone! When I used to take the bus into London, UK, there was a building with a message on it - 'Take Courage.'

    It always comforted me. This too shall pass.